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When I got to the house, I saw my Thoth deck sitting on a shelf. The flap that I had written my name on was torn off. “You were going to keep that weren’t you?” I grabbed the white box and held it up with my right hand.


“My deck. You were going to keep my cards. Even though you said you would keep them safe for me.”

“No I wasn’t. God, this thing has you so paranoid.”

“Then show me my deck.”


“You heard me. If that is your deck then where is mine?”

“Okay, fine. I was. You won’t need them anymore. With what happened, you couldn’t do an accurate reading even if you tried. Besides, they’ll just take them away again.”

I told the doctor I needed to take a break. The details were getting fuzzy.

“So you think you were at Erick’s?” She leaned in and clasped her hands above her knees. Her eyes squinted as though she was trying to make some sort of psychic link with me or read my thoughts before I could even form them.

“Yes, I think so.” She still pursed her lips as she smiled.

“Great. Now what happened next?”

“We were trying to figure out a way I would know it was us and that this was my deck.”


“I can’t remember but it was me and two males.”

“Okay, then what?” Her pencil eraser tapped gently on the stack of papers snapped loosely to her large brown clipboard.

“There are three mages in the Thoth deck. I took two of them out and handed them to the males. I promised not to use the deck once I got it back. They would put the cards in order for me so I couldn’t do a shuffle or anything. They couldn’t be used for anything.”

“What were they in order for?”

“My life, I think. I can’t remember.”

“That’s all right. You are doing great. Can you remember how you would know the mages you gave out?”

“Not beyond them being the ones missing. And the deck was made in a certain year. I can’t remember who got me that deck but an ex of mine didn’t like it.”


“No. He got me one that had been made in Belgium but I can’t remember which one came first. I think that one might have been 1986 but it doesn’t mean I was given that one first. All I know is he didn’t like me having a deck from someone else.”

“Could it be that the person who bought you this deck didn’t like you having the one from Belgium? Was there a difference?”

“Maybe that’s what happened. I am not sure. The deck from Belgium was the same one but made outside the States. It was a 1991 deck I think.  He said he got it for me because my grandmother had been born in Belgium.

“Is that true?”

“Yes. I mean, she was born in Belgium.”

“Perfect. So how would these men know you were the owner of that deck?”

“I said males.” Breathing in deeply, I pushed down on the chair with my hands as I exhaled.

“That’s right. Sorry, males.”

“We bent one of the cards. The two of cups. And not in half. It was a special fold. I saw another deck online that mentioned the one creased card and having a black card inside. That might have been my other deck. But the last one I had would have been missing the two mages.”

“And you say you had to recoup some of your belongings on the internet?”

I nodded.

“What would you tell your teenage self today?”

“Don’t do what they say. Walk your talk. Kill them all.”

“You mean your attackers? I can feel you tense up. Lots of rape victims feel that kind of anger. Try not to feel guilty over it.”

“I’m not angry. I am livid.”

“We probably are lucky you can’t remember more details yet. So what is “walk your talk?” What does that concept mean for you?”

“I had the power to stop them. At one point I was carrying an unborn so I hesitated. But once they stomped on me, I should have done something.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I believed in not doing harm.”

“Do you still?”


“Really? You don’t take me for the violent type.” I watched her hand jerk slightly as she laughed under her breath. Then I looked into her eyes.

“I am not looking for problems. But this time if one lands at my feet, it will be dealt with.”

Closing the manila folder, she bent her neck from side to side and then arched her back. She looked over at the small black clock sitting on a shelf next to me. The big red numbers showed we had five minutes left.

“Anything else you want to talk about?” I shook my head, thanked her and started to stand. My knees hurt so bad I fell right back on the sofa.